Tony: You're listening to The Present Professional, where we explore the intersections of personal and professional development.
John: To change your experience of life and work with every episode.
Tony: So tune in, grab your notebook, and let's go. Let's go.
John: Welcome to another episode of The Present Professional. Today, we're here to talk about something that we all face at different moments in our lives, really, every day. And it's about managing change. Now, we are continuously changing, evolving, becoming the next version of ourselves. And we're going to talk about some major moments in our lives where We've gone through change and some of the things that have supported us, some of the practices, the people, the systems, and things that you can take on into your life, depending on what change that you're managing today. It could be in your career, it could be in your life, it could be in your mind, the things that you're living through day to day in each transition. Let's talk about it.
Tony: Yep. And it's going to be an interesting conversation because change is inevitable and change always is occurring, whether you are realizing it or not. We are constantly evolving, like you mentioned. And I mean, I'm excited to dive into it a bit and kind of talk about some of the techniques that I've used for sure. And, you know, even thinking about it out loud, techniques that I will use in the future, because like I mentioned, we're always changing and I'm definitely in the flow of that process now.
John: There's something about embracing change, embracing it as a fundamental aspect of life. The more that we fight it, what does fighting change actually do for us other than help us feel safe and content where we are? And that's been one of the realizations for me is, how can I embrace change? And asking myself the question whenever I feel like I'm fighting it is, what's making me not embrace this right now? You know, how can I change my mindset to start looking at this? Not just as a positive, but as a fundamental aspect of, you know, creating a beautiful life.
Tony: Wow. Yes, that's well said. And I'd add to that and say that, you know, I think believing that we don't have to change or that we're not going to change or that change is not necessary. I think that's one of the biggest lies of our society because you always are changing because you're constantly aging, right? And as you're constantly aging, your perspectives change, your wants change, your desires change, your needs change depending on what you're doing. If you're, you know, if you grow in a family or have a, have a, um, family around you, their needs are changing as well. And depending on where you sit in the hierarchy within that family dynamic, you have to adapt to that change. And if you are even a dependent on that dynamic, then you eventually will evolve and change as well. Like you will branch off the tree and then begin your own or go to college or whatever that may be.
John: Speaking of. It's interesting to look at some of the times in my life and a lot of the biggest changes and transitions in my life are some of the things that I look back on with immense gratitude. And I can think of things professionally and academically and personally where I feel like without that transition, without moving into the unknown, I would not be the person that I am today. almost look at it as, you know, your learning curve in like expanding your world. And it's like, you know, when you expand your circle outside of, you know, say you start in your family, you know, the friends in the neighborhood, the experiences you have in your neighborhood, you move to different schools, you continue to grow, there's more friends, more sports, you just keep expanding how much you're moving around the world and transitioning. And it's like each time there's a major transition, it's like you're entering this new world of potential experience. into high school, into college, into the workforce, into different organizations, into different careers, into different countries and traveling. It's constantly expanding what we're exposed to that comes with transition and change. Without it, you're not growing that pool of experience. I mean, unless, you know, you're pursuing knowledge and other pursuits on your own. And I think that's another way of doing it is, you know, reading. And, you know, now other forms of, you know, taking in experience these days through podcasts and shows and things like that because you get a view into what others' experiences were. That's why some of the best shows and some of the things that we continue to listen to are conversations where you can experience things through others. I said a lot there, but the central theme of all that is Transition expands your experience and knowledge, and not just the quality of your life, but it's the diversity of your life, the variety, the things that you're able to pull from. When you're able to embrace that, it just expands more and more rather than fighting the expansion. It's like swimming upstream. You know what I'm saying?
Tony: Yeah, yeah, and you know, a couple things came up for me with that is that, you know, if you are embracing the change and you believe that you're not changing or not needing to change, I would say that you're probably still changing. You may be regressing. That's a hard pill to swallow because you got to think about it. I mentioned earlier, we age every year. That's just a fact. You know, I believe we're a year older than we say we are because when you're a baby in the womb, you're developing for nine months. So that's just a whole other conversation. As you're aging, right, and you decide, you know what, I don't want to change. I want to just be rooted in who I am, who I've always been, and I just want to keep doing this. Well, if you are aging and growing, your life experience is changing around you in the regard of your age, your bones, your joints, you know. technology's changing, all this, and you just choose to stay still, well, you're not actually staying still, you're actually going backwards. And I mean, that, for some people, probably they would say, no, I'm not going backwards, I'm just staying where I'm. Well, comfortability is a place where we want to be, it feels good to be there, but the uncomfortable is where you grow. And if you want to grow, then you have to be uncomfortable because you have to grow through failure a lot of times. And failure only comes when you try something new or when you're trying to do more newer things. So as you're trying to achieve more things, you're trying to try new things, you're going to fail at times. And in that failure, there are more lessons that are fruitful that will help you along the way. But all of that, It's changed. I always like to relate things to sports, and I bring up someone that most household names know, and that's LeBron James, right? What people, maybe the average basketball fan may not know is that he decided maybe within the last, I don't know, seven years, that he was gonna be more lean physically. He used to be a little more bulky than he is, but he looked ahead to the future and said, man, I'm gonna I'm going to change my diet, I'm going to change the way I work out, and I'm going to be more lean because one, it'll be better on my joints, better on my bones, my knees, I'll be able to play longer. And then looking at the game, the game changed. Basketball players are now a lot more lean, a lot skinnier than they've been. You really don't see a whole lot of bulky basketball players if you look on the court. And even in the high level of greatness of someone like that, he didn't say, no, people are gonna adapt to me. I'm this physical specimen and I'm gonna run everybody over. Sure, he still runs everybody over, but he's also able to get up and down the court at the same level as guys almost 20 years younger than him because he made a change in his approach to the game. And we have to decide to do the same thing even in our professional, personal, and even love lives.
John: What would you say, you mentioned the discomfort and challenge. What would you say is the most uncomfortable or challenging transition that you've gone through, Tony, that has made you who you are today? And what are some of the ways that you supported yourself and grew through that?
Tony: Well, I think that overall, it's really just understanding that things take time. And when you realize that things take time, that will create almost like a shield around you in the regard of your own mental and emotional protection. Because it's hard, right? You have social media. It's always in the background. So you can get online and see someone living what is perceived to be their best life. And you can say, man, like, I want to do that, right? Or I should be doing that. Or where am I? You're looking at your own checkpoints and timeline and comparing, and that's never good. And I've never really been a big comparer, but social media is there. So it's like, because it's there, you see other people, right? But for me, I think just knowing that things take time and really just looking from like a 10,000 foot view or 10 years ahead and looking backward, it's like continuing to look at things from that perspective. allows me to be able to be more comfortable in the uncomfortable. I'll be honest, most of my days I'm very uncomfortable. I'm trying new things or I'm learning new things. I'm speaking about things that it's not the content or the subject matter. It may be the audience has changed. It could be people that I'm having to influence to believe that I can speak on certain things. All these various different ways that I navigate my day-to-day. And a lot of it is rooted in me saying that the more I'm uncomfortable now, the better I'll be later. And the later is not just tomorrow, but the later is five, 10, 15 years from now. And that's hard because nobody, most people don't live in the future. Most people either stuck in the past or trying to be present. And then some people do live in the future too, but to be able to ground yourself in being present, but being okay with the world you're creating is important.
John: Like having a vision for where you want to be, but allowing yourself to enjoy the journey so that you can enjoy the vision when you get there.
Tony: Yes, and also being present for the people around you too. While I'm thinking about the future that I'm creating for myself, my career, business, family, I'm also being very cautious not to drive people around me. Now I won't say away, but be so caught into the future that I'm not watching them grow now. I'm not watching what's happening now. I'm not being able to sit still and listen and be, and then making sure that in my stillness that I'm not regressing like I mentioned earlier. I'm not being still to the point where I forgot that I had this big goal that I want to attack. So it's a nice balance and I think that writing helps, journaling helps, and having people around you that are also striving helps a lot too.
John: What do you think, you know, as you look back on different transitions in your life and, you know, where you've been? What do you think was the most challenging and where you needed to adapt the most?
Tony: I think that being able to adapt to people around you, I'd say, I won't call it a challenge, but I'd say that when you have a kid, when you have a child, I was just telling someone this two days ago, there were two people getting ready to have kids and I was like, whoever you were before your kids, you may not remember that person. And I was like, that didn't land well. But I still think it's true. I think that, for me at least, the person that I was before I became a dad, I don't really remember that guy, right? It's not that I forgot who I am completely, but whatever needed to disintegrate and fall off, is gone. It falls off like right in the middle, right when you hear the first cry. And I think being able to take that first year of my son's life and be as present as I could be while still doing many other things, I think that was probably the most recent challenge that I can recall that takes a lot of energy because You know, my mom, she used to tell me, yeah, when you have kids, your life stops. And I'm like, okay, that's a horrible way to think about it. But I understand what she was trying to get me to understand. But it could be true for many people. And I think that it's a fight, right? It's a fight of you still striving. It's a fight to still wake up early. It's a fight for me now to take my kid to school or pick him up early and still, not pick him up early, pick him up from school and still be able to achieve the things that I'm working on and desire. Having a great partner helps with a lot of that, honestly. Without having kids and a family, I wouldn't want to do it without my wife, Crystal, who I do it with every day because we're on the same page and that helps tremendously. I couldn't agree more.
John: a partnership that you know that adds to that and you know helps create you know peace you know it's create create some uh some peace in the chaos and to do that to be able to do that with your partner is really special man so uh yeah i think that you know you and crystal definitely set a fantastic example for a lot of us here and even our listeners. It's great to see your family grow and see you become this version of yourself through that transition.
Tony: Yeah, man. It will be eight years soon. That's a lot of time put in. Wow.
John: Wow, that's that's amazing. And thanks. And if I'm looking at looking at my life, well, you know, similar, similar transition to come. So I'm not going to I'm going to be present where I am now and and look backwards. I would say there were two transitions in my life, and one was stepping into the mental space where I am now. There was the transition between chasing challenges and more kind of living for the weekend type mentality and then you know finding yoga mindfulness meditation and like moving into that phase of the way I view the world and the way I want to spend my time here. That was a really big transition for me and it led to differences in whom spending my time with, how I'm spending my energy and the things that I'm focused on, the things I'm interested in. That ultimately led to the major transition in my life of moving from working in the corporate world and moving into my own business and moving into entrepreneurship and being self-employed. That was a huge transition for me. Without the mental transition I mentioned first, it would have been very difficult to set my ego aside and really embrace a major career transition and rebuild credibility and a reputation and a completely new professional space. That really took just letting go. Letting go of the identity that I held on to so much. The big company, the big paycheck, you got your degree, you got the job, and it was this identity that I was able to hold this image of myself up on. So it took a lot of being present, embracing change and like really getting in touch with myself at my core, you know, the, you know, from inner child to my inner spirit, everything to really appreciate myself. beyond the accolades. And when I was able to really connect there and this, I'm not saying this was, oh, I'm going to be an entrepreneur. Let me connect to my deepest self and feel, you know, and feel fantastic where I am. I'm talking about like that's two years in the making. of going deeper, of wanting to throw in the towel, of exploring different things, of having different mentors and support systems through that. Again, having a supportive partner has made such a difference for me too in this chapter of that. Jordan has been really supportive and a big proponent of that shift into understanding what it's going to take to be self-employed, to run your own business. And that's been a big help. And you really notice whenever you drop that the ego, I don't want to say whenever you, whenever I dropped that vision of myself, like that pedestal I had created. I feel like the folks that really supported me, they really made them, they really became a parent who was a friend of that vision. a friend of that identity I created versus the folks that were a true friend of who I am at my core and at the deepest level. That was something that I'm really grateful for. I'm really grateful for this transition to have brought that to light. because now I really focus my energy on those core people in my life and spending time with them, spending time sitting here with you, you being one of those people. You really notice whenever I dropped the identity that I created, I found the folks that were really connected to who I am at my core. I'll leave it at that. And that really, that really supported me and into becoming who I am today and embracing it. Wow, man.
Tony: It's great, man. It's beautifully said, to be honest. I'm also glad to be one of those people, too, for you. So I'm honored. And man, I guess I only have one more question on that with everything you mentioned for people that are getting ready to walk down that journey or are walking down that journey of kind of like, I don't know how old people are out there. But if you remember MySpace, right, and you had your top eight friends, top 16, all that stuff, you can shrink it down to four or five at some points, too. So when you get ready to rearrange for the people out there who are getting ready to rearrange their core circle or core being of people because of the shift they're trying to make or getting ready to make, what advice do you have for them? Because that is tough, and I've been through that same thing. Oh, man.
John: I think The way that I would say it is if let it happen organically, it's rather than trying to choose the core, rather than trying to really sit down and journal about who my core people are and determine that, it's start living from your essence. Start living and really behaving like who you want to become. Then you'll notice who is in support of you regardless of what behavior change that you are embarking on, this new self that you're trying to become personally or professionally. what you're striving for. When you try to take on this new identity or step into a new life that you want to live, you will notice the people that are supportive of you regardless. I would say that focus on yourself and becoming authentically who you want to be. and be selfish, like be selfish in saying no to things. And that's another thing is you will see the folks that fall away when you say no because of some expectation that they have about your presence and the folks that understand and are grateful to be able to support you and support your no. And say, you know, like I'm, you know, I'm proud of you focusing on, you know, where you're, you know, where your heart wants to go right now. I'm here for you. You know, like those people will surface and those are the people you want to hold on to and that you want to make a. a concentrated effort to regularly check in with them, to nurture those relationships. The more you put time in and regularly check in and nurture those core relationships that are there for you regardless of who you're becoming, the more they'll be there for you when you really need it. So it's not just nurturing the relationship whenever you're in a tough spot or you're dealing with an uncomfortable transition, but it's making the time to check in with those relationships when times are good, when you're stable and comfortable. It's almost like your meditation practice, right? You know, whenever you need your meditation practice, you'll wish you had been practicing. And the same thing goes with nurturing your circle. You continue to nurture those relationships, you'll have the support system to be able to be resilient and bounce back whenever you transition into anything because they'll be there to support you because You're not only there in times of transaction and need. It's, you know, it's a true friendship, a true relationship. So. To recap on that. Be selfish. You know, start transitioning into who you want to become and watch the core circle of people unfold. And that may be a maybe one or two people. And maybe that is enough. Having two people that you can call in the middle of the night is so much better than having 100 Facebook friends or folks that you can go to the bar with on Saturday. So I would really notice those people come out of the woodwork and hold on to them.
Tony: I think that's well said and I like how you kind of framed it in a way to say let go again in the sense of let go of trying to place people where you want them to be or you think they should be and let them fall where they are or become who they're going to become. It made me reflect on times where I was in that same kind of space and in the beginning of my change or the mental change you talked about. I remember a lot of my friends just kind of, I don't want to say disappeared, but somebody disappeared. It might have been me. I don't know. What I noticed what was happening was the places that I was trying to go some of my friends were not there, right? So, it doesn't mean that they weren't striving to, but they weren't there yet. Because where I was from, the places I was going, I didn't see any of my friends, right? And so, what happened for me in that same regard, as we talk about change, is that later in life when they started to grow and there are some of them in their own right, it would be a it's almost like I would see them again in the sense of they would be in the same light that I'm trying to be in as well or that I'm already in. So I may have taken the step or started the journey earlier than them and I may be further ahead in the regard of them trying to get or do similar things in regards of like, Mindfulness, right? Like some people's mindfulness journey is just, it may just be them saying that they want to make one small incremental change that you've made, you're 50 steps ahead of that change. But then you see them again because they always wanted to do the change that you're doing and then they start the process and you're like, yes, we can do this again. The love is still there, and if anything, they might be even admiring or respecting you taking that step or walking in that direction, but they weren't ready yet. and you might be the only friend they know that broke away from the pack to do that. And they might have even been people that looked back, or at the time, you look back and you see that, yeah, they might not have been, they might have been going to the bar too every weekend, just like the pack, but they were always watching you walk away. And as they watched, and they watched, and they watched after watched, they started to walk down that same path too. Because like I mentioned earlier, every year we age, and we're one year older than we think we are.
John: I love how this managing change conversation really turned into a sphere of influence conversation. And I think that's because when we think of our support system in times of change, it's those folks closest to our inner sphere. And just to give a little bit of clarity on what sphere of influence I'm talking about, it means that The folks that you see at a bar or at an annual gathering or something like that, I still have so much love for all the people in varying degrees of connection in my life. I can have love for you and you can be very far outside of my sphere of influence. which is your activities, your opinions, your advice, are going to influence me very little. And I still love you. But those folks that I want to have in my inner sphere, close to my heart, you know, those are folks that influence who you become. And, you know, when you see them arise, you have to be very mindful of who is in your inner sphere of influence. And this is something I work through with clients and a thought that I always revisit of, you know, who is in my inner sphere of influence? Who is influencing me in a positive way? Who's not influencing me in a positive way? And, you know, maybe is it time to kind of move them back, you know, a few spheres or whatever, you know, whatever that looks like. And This isn't really something I track in a spreadsheet or anything, but it's a thought in the background to really think about as you go through managing change and major transitions in your life, it's going to be really important to understand who's in that sphere, your innermost sphere.
Tony: Yeah, and I think that, you may have just said this, but I think that when you identify who those people are, or you're around those people, really, really try to get to know them, right? Like really start to learn how they operate, what makes them tick, what's their love languages, what do they like? You know, like you're already there at the point where you have now, got to the core of the relationships. Now dive even deeper. Meet them where they are. It's something special when you can really get to know someone on that level. So I told this story yesterday. So one of my mentors, I got a chance to do his strengths, because I'm a strengths coach through Gallup. He already took the test, but we got a chance to spend like an hour just going over his strengths. I was very honored to even do that with him. And I got to learn so much more about him just in that 60 minutes. We've known each other for like six, seven years. But getting a chance to see what his makeup was, and share mine too, of course, but just have that conversation, it created a newfound respect for me to him. And he's someone that's in that core that I talk about, Everybody in my core, I try to get to know. Many of them, we have done strengths, so we know each other's strengths. I know their strengths and stuff. But what I really try to learn most is what makes them tick and when they're not okay. I think it's good to know when people are not okay within that sphere so that you can provide what they need. Sometimes they don't need you to say, hey, is everything going okay? Some people need that, but then some people don't want you to ask that question, because even if you ask the question, they're not gonna give you the answer that you're looking for. What you can do if you know the people in your tightness sphere, at your core sphere, you can give them what they need. So I have a friend who, he's seeking somebody to hold him accountable. And so when he tells me these wonderful things that's happened in his life, I ask pointed questions. So I'm holding him accountable. Okay, this happened, who gave it to you? Oh, you got this great opportunity, what's the name of the company? You wanna do this new idea, who are you working with? And who's your advisors in this new thing that you're talking, like very pointed, direct questions. because we can walk away from this conversation and you tell me all these wonderful things, and six months later you're telling me that it's not going so well. Well, I'm going to start, I'm going to hold you accountable from the start, because that's what you asked me to do anyway, right? And you also want to make sure that you have permission to do that with those people too. I would just say ultimately with all that, just lean in. Lean all the way in, and you can lean in further once you have your highest level or sense of self-awareness identified first. So like John was talking about, the track that he made from the mental strengthening or change, and then yoga meditation, all the way to the point where he is today, but now you're in the perfect place to lean in deeper with the people that's in this fear because you are who you are. You're at your core, your feet are on the ground, your foundation is strong. You know, I always say when you work out, well, I'm lying, I don't always say. My brother, he was talking about working out and he's like, we were talking about how we haven't worked out in a while and he's like, yeah, man, we haven't. So first thing we're gonna do when we get back is squats. But what happens when you do that is you build the foundation first. You get the hard stuff out the way. And so when you have those squats in your self-awareness, now you're strong enough to help others.
John: From the inside out, we change. That's the best way to approach it. Well, with that, Whatever transition you're going through in your life, know that you'll make it through. Know that you will be eventually looking back at it in hindsight and be able to tell a similar story of who you've become. So take that on, head on, and thank you for being a listener. Please connect with us. Any way that you feel you'd like to share something, any feedback, we'd love to hear from you at thepresentprofessionalpodcast.com. Thank you again for being listeners, and we will catch you on the next episode.