053 - Creating Authentic Connections At Work To Advance Your Career and Improve Your Well-being

00:00 John  - You're listening to The Present Professional, where we explore the intersections of personal and professional development. To change your experience of life and work with every episode. So tune in, grab your notebook, and let's go!

00:20 Tony  - Let's go! Welcome to another episode of The Present Professional. Today, we're here to talk about creating authentic connections at work. And this is a topic that I've seen approached from so many different perspectives. And some being where you want to keep work completely compartmentalized, and then others that maybe take it a little bit too far with opening up with folks right away at the office in a professional environment, wherever your professional environment may be or may look like. We're going to talk about some of the nuances of how and when to open up and when that authenticity is going too deep in the connection and then what those deep connections can do for your life and career.

01:19 John -  So with that being said, I'll let Tony give you his perspective on that. Yeah. I mean, that's, it's always interesting. This is one that's, I've been on both sides of the equation. You know, I've been on the side where I'm head down focused and I'm working and that work is work. Still make connections, but definitely not a part of the lunch crew and not a part of, you know, maybe even like text groups. I've been on that end of the spectrum, but still was invited to like birthday parties and like fun things with people at work. So not totally isolated, but just work is work. And then I've been on the other side where I made some really, really lifelong friendships from work. And I've seen it happen for other people. I've seen people be a part of folks weddings from work and, you know, even involved in their kids lives beyond work too. So I've seen both sides.

02:24 Tony  - So this is definitely an interesting subject and looking forward to diving in. And you know, first it's like, what is authentic connection to each of us? You know, to me, authentic connection, you know, comes with a bit of vulnerability. You know, there is a bit of, and that doesn't mean you have to initially share your deepest and darkest secrets with everyone at the office. I would not advise that it's about authentically expressing who you are, you know, and you know, that might be, that might be how you feel. That might be what your goals and aspirations are. It might be, you know, what your fears are. You know, sometimes hearing, say a manager or something express, you know, what their fears are about something. It humanizes folks. You know, it brings, it brings them down to your level for a moment. It's like, even if I report to you, you know, I respect you even more now as a human being, you know, when you express that vulnerability. So I think that you can't really have an authentic connection, you know, without developing some level of trust. And I think that, you know, trust is a big variable in this discussion. So, you know, to me, an authentic connection comes without an agenda. It comes without an agenda. It builds trust. And, you know, it's where you really want to get to know the other person.

04:10 John -  What do you think, Tony? Well, I mean, you know, like you said, what does authenticity even mean for people? Right. What does it mean for you individually? What does it mean for you at work? I know people that have, that really stand on leaving work as work. And then on the flip side of that, I have seen people, like I said earlier, make great relationships, which I have too. But I think there's a balance, you know, and I don't think you have to be one way or the other. But I think it also depends on your role and responsibilities at work as well. Sometimes people see you as a people leader. And as a people leader, that may be a bit of a political role that people see you in. Right. So, you know, I had someone tell me, I don't want people from work following me on social media. And the person is identified as a leader. And you know, when you're in that position, you have control over how you interact with folks offline or online, rather. I think you have to ask yourself, what exactly is your goal in your stance and level of influence? Like, do you want to be seen as someone who's influential inside and outside the workplace, or do you want to to leave work at work? And then I think also when it comes to creating those authentic relationships, you can do it within the walls of your organization. I think sometimes you may just need someone to talk to. Gallup asked a great question in their annual Q12 survey, which is that, do you have a best friend at work? That is the lowest scored question every year across the organizations. I mean, just across the global index. And that's scary, right? You know, do you have a best friend at work? And most people would answer no, or not really. And I think the reality is what Gallup means by that question and based on some research I read on that is they're really asking, do you have people at work that you trust? You have people at work that you go to this year. You have people at work that you talk to about sometimes, maybe it's work things, sometimes it's not. But maybe you have to vent. Like, do you have that person or those people at work? And the reality is most people don't. And COVID has also kind of ripped that apart to a degree because how do you do that over Teams? How do you do that over Zoom? How do you know that you can have these candid conversations in virtual formats? So, you know, we have a lot of work to do, especially in the work that you and I do, John. So it's a challenge, but it's a fully humanistic, non-automated challenge that we can fix.

07:09 Tony  - I agree. And, you know, it is very human work. And, you know, speaking about what you mentioned about the virtual nature of things is, you know, you can definitely create authentic, real connections over video chat, over Teams, over Zoom, Skype, Google Meet, whatever you're using these days. You know, I mean, I do it professionally with clients every day. And, you know, I've met with all of my clients virtually one on one, and you can see emotions. You can hear it in their voice, the combination of voice, video, facial expressions. Like, you're really there when you're meeting one on one. Now, in a group setting, I think it's a little bit different, you know, being able to pay attention to all the different screens at once. You're not really in the same room. I think there's something to be said about having, you know, group engagements in person and how that makes a difference to be able to, you know, have side conversations, to, you know, connect with different people just by turning your head, making eye contact, things like that. I think there are elements involved in groups that make a big difference to be in person. But on the one on one side of things, I think you can really, you know, form a deeper connection by, you know, just spending some time with people, setting up some time to connect with people over one thing that you have in common and trying to learn a little bit more about their background. It's like, what can I learn from this person's experience? It's like opening yourself up to this curiosity. And, you know, when we talk about creating organic and authentic connections at work, you know, I find that the folks that are able to do that, you can still have boundaries, you know, about what you share from your personal life, things like that. Like, that's perfectly fine. But are you curious? You know, do you have the curiosity to sit there in a conversation and want to learn more about a coworker, you know, want to learn more about their experience, how they're applying it to their work and, you know, what you can also do for them within their professional career. It's like getting curious about how can we help each other.

09:45 John -  And I think curiosity is extremely important in doing it genuinely. Sometimes people are curious because they want to gain something in the work setting. So that's definitely something to keep in mind. If you are seeking information from people, even if you're not seeking it to try to gain anything, make sure you fully check yourself or even ask for feedback, too, to make sure that you aren't coming across like, you know, ingenuously. I've seen that as well. But I think that relationships at work, one thing that is a part of what I do in workplaces, especially in the roles that I have these days is just making connection, you know, walking around, checking in on people, seeing how people are doing and just asking questions, you know, letting them be heard. Sometimes people are waiting to say something to somebody and maybe you're that person, maybe you're that ear. I mean, you can do it sometimes if you're just buried in the back of your office or your cubicle or you buried in meetings, meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting, then you go home. That's not a way to build connection. That's not a way to create authentic relationships. So keep in mind that that is important as well. Even showing up to virtual meetings early, hanging on later, you know, to just spend that extra time sending teens messages with goofy gifts, you know, memes, you know, just being being able to to just let your hair down a bit, but still get work done and still keep it professional. But, you know, it all depends on what what you want to be seen like, like I mentioned earlier in terms of leadership or in terms of just work and work style with people, you know, and I meet people sometimes that say they aren't seen at work. And though that may be true, you can make yourself visible. And I think that you work in a hybrid or in-person environment still, you have an advantage to do that. Knock on someone's door and just say hello and say, do you need anything? You know, I just asking those like very basic, like early 2000 type of questions, which is how are you doing?

12:22 Tony  - How was your weekend? So, I mean, I like what you were saying in the beginning there about, you know, what I like to call is not having an agenda. And there are some conversations, you know, if you're going to set up a meeting, you're going to schedule a conversation. Sometimes it does better for all parties to have an agenda, to be clear on, you know, what this is, what this engagement is about professionally. But then there are times for connection where there's conversation without an agenda, because, you know, when you come in and try to connect with someone authentically and you're exuding this curiosity, but it's coming off like you're trying to accomplish something, you know, that person is going to feel what you are doing. You know, you know, when someone has an agenda, it's not even just, you know, in your mind, it's in your gut. Like I can feel that like this person is trying to get something out of me and sure it's sometimes it's just, you know, just give it to them and move on with your day. And sometimes folks get defensive. Sometimes the roads trust. So it's like, you can have an agenda, but be clear about it. Be open and direct about it. You know, what do you want to learn? What do you, you know, what are you here to, what are you here to ask? That's OK. As long as you're open and direct about it. Is that going to create more of an authentic connection? You know, maybe not, but at least it's an integrity with why you're having the conversation, but then, you know, also making space for just having conversation to be curious about the human themselves. And that's the space for authentic connection. I'll get better at it.

14:20 John -  You know, if you have an agenda and you're trying to do that, just get better at talking with people, just get better at building relationships because that's important being a good relationship builder is not something that is always natural to be honest. Some of the best communicators have spent time, years, even maybe even money investing in their ability to learn how to be an effective communicator. So if you find yourself not the best, just keep trying, get your reps up, talking with people, but ask for feedback or just listen for the feedback. People will tell you, even if they don't verbally tell you, they'll tell you with their body language or they'll tell you by walking off, you know, or trying to get away from you, but it could just be there that they may be having their own social anxiety. And that's a big part of it too, is knowing that we are still kind of liking this like COVID jet lag, I think. So I don't know the last time you went to a conference, but man, it's like, it's a different energy now. It's like people are excited. But then people are also like, okay, I need like five minutes. Like, I think more people have become introverted because of the changes that we've all experienced. And that's just my opinion. I have no facts behind that, but that is my opinion based on going to conferences and talking with people. We've all talked about it. Like we'll be long conversations and then we're like, yeah, this is good. I'm like, I'm going to go to a conference.

15:59 Tony -  We're like, yeah, this is good, but I need a break, you know? But, but yeah. I mean, I feel that even on my personal side of things, I mean, going from having a career in the office, you know, connecting with people around the world and connecting with people daily in my own customers and things, you know, into a more intimate and one-on-one like job here. It's funny. My, you know, my girlfriend came home the other day when that, uh, when the thing was happening with the submarine or whatever, the, uh, the folks that, the folks that, uh, paid a lot of money to see the Titanic, I guess. And my, my girlfriend came home and was talking about it. It was like, what? She's like, what? You don't know about this. You didn't hear about this. And she goes, oh, you don't have coworkers. And I was like, I was like, that kind of makes sense. Yeah. And when I'm talking to clients, you know, we're not really, we're not really talking about current events and gossip or what's, you know, what's happening in the world like that. So it's more, you know, we're, I'm focused on them. What's happening in their lives. Like not, not on the world. Not, not on the world. And, you know, even when I'm talking with, you know, my coaches, my colleagues are, you know, we're, we're not really catching up about things like that. I don't know. Maybe it's just, you know, where I, you know, I don't choose to put my conscious awareness these days, but it's something, you know, if I was still going into the office and like corporate role, I'm bet I would've known about. For sure. And I've also found myself to really enjoy this, you know, some folks ask, you know, what's it like more working from home saying more like within your own business, within your own practice. And I love it. I think I am less extroverted than I thought I was. I think as a type three achiever, it was, you know, it was in my best interest as well to be extroverted, to be outgoing here, there, getting to know people, but it's like, I still love connecting with people, but man, do I love some alone time, like I realized that it takes more energy than I thought to, you know, really connect with people authentically. So I like to use it in, not in smaller doses, but more like focused, focused attention and effort. Like I don't just spend it, you know, just everywhere anymore. My, uh, social resources are the sounds so machine-like, but I'd say like more targeted towards like, you know, who are the people I really want to catch up with, who are the people I really want to spend energy on and with, you know, you know, because I spend my whole day authentically connecting with my clients and I love that, but then it's like, with what I have left in my battery after that day, you know, it's going to go to the authentic connections that really make a difference for me. You know, some of those friends I need to catch up with family and, you know, where, you know, where I want to spend my energy that fills my cup, right. Does that mean that I don't have space to connect with people? Of course not. But I like to spend that in a way that's authentic, but then also get right to the point when I'm meeting new people, we talk about authentic connections at work. And I'm pretty real. Like I'll be pretty wide open with pretty much anyone that I meet now because, well, I guess that probably has something to do with being outside of the, like a more political corporate structure as well, you know, where I'm kind of like aware of those things, but I'm like, Hey, you know, this is me. This is what I do. This is, I'm happy to share where I'm at, who I am. And sometimes I ask questions to catch people off guard. Like what's your biggest fear?

20:27 John  - You learn a lot about some people off guard with that one.

20:31 Tony  - Learn a lot about someone there. Yeah, I know I said a lot. I feel like I just unpacked a lot. We're having a coaching session.

20:40 John  - Definitely. But I'm loving it. I mean, that's, it's important for you to recognize where you are and recognize the change that has occurred. So, you know, kudos to you for acknowledging that and just sticking to it and having to stick it to it as they say, you know, and I find myself in a, in a healthy balance of. Everything. Um, I feel like I have, like, if I was to say my relationships right now, or like a, uh, like a plate of food, it's like every day is a different plate. You know, it's a different style of meal. And I love that, you know, sometimes I'm just eating steak and potatoes, right? It's just straight to the work, you know, and it's just like heavy. And then sometimes it's very light and there's no meat at all. And it's just light greens. And I get a chance to just back up from everybody in the world and just focus on me and re-energizing and maybe doing more spiritual things and just kind of refocus and reshifting my energy. Then sometimes it's like a traditional three course meal, you know, it just depends on the scenario or the day, but that's, um, it's been a recurrent theme and I, and it's been like that, I'd honestly say for probably like three years now. And I've, I've kind of just locked into that. And, you know, I just take the day as they come and then they come. Those days come, they, they're here. Like every day is a, is a, is a new opportunity and a new challenge to connect deeply with folks, um, make authentic relationships, whether it's work, family, business speaking, even myself, friends. I've even done better with, um, reestablishing some monthly meetups with, with some groups just to not only reconnect with them for my own personal selfish reasons, but also to reconnect the groups. Because I know that there was a time where I was the connector for, for certain groups and I chose to not do that and, and say, Hey, you know, someone else can step up and do it and it never happened. So took some time away from, from doing that to refocus on me. And now I'm able to be that again. And I see that there's gaps where people need that. They were missing that convening time with, with certain people. And so, you know, that's where I am. And you talk about authentic relationships and had an agendas, right? You know, my agenda with reestablishing a monthly meetup with some, with certain groups of people might've been, you know, Hey, I want to make sure that I'm connected to these people, but the reality is I just want to make sure that we're all connected to each other. You know, time is ticking and we're all getting older every day. So I don't want to look up and I'm, you know, much older and then I'm, and I wish I would have, you know, I wish I would have created a monthly meetup for a certain group of guys, or I wish I would have made that phone call or shot that text message every time someone floats up in my mind, I'm either hitting them up immediately or making a note to do it later. And more than likely 90% of the time it gets done. And it's a, it's a healthy conversation on both sides and it was worth it. Definitely worth it.

24:27 Tony  - No, that's a solid agenda, Tony, right? To establish those connections, to not, you know, leave these relationships malnourished, you know, to actually step in and, you know, cultivate the connections in your life that you want to maintain because maintaining authentic connections takes work. It takes time. And, you know, I want to acknowledge you for setting that up and for doing that. And then before we sign off, I wanted to just mention that it's just as important as taking this time to establish the relationships with others in your life. To take the time to establish the relationship with yourself. I'd say it's even, you know, it's even more important to take the time to really get to know yourself, where you're at, acknowledge where you're at and how far that you've come and, you know, really spend time with yourself. There's a difference between aloneness and loneliness and aloneness isn't bad. Good to know yourself. And then you're able to share that with others to connect more authentically. So thank you all so much for being listeners. Thank you for being connected to us through this show. And we'd love for you to be connected with us even deeper. So feel free to reach out via social media or at the present professional podcast.com. You can find links to interact with us in each of the show notes of each of the episodes, and we'd love to hear your feedback. So don't hesitate to reach out. Please rate us and review us anywhere that you're listening to the podcast. And we'll see you next time.